Heads up in advance (to all of you who won't be reading this). This is a filler post. I've slacked on the blog, and truth be told, I don't have lots to say. But I did promise myself that this was one of my tools to unfuck my mind, so I'm going to keep it alive.
So, what to say what to say. Well, since the last time I put fingers to keyboard, I learned one thing. You can't do a major overhall of your life without letting your dirty little secrets out of the bag. So, I put all the uglies out on the table...at least to my trusted friends and my husband. I'm an alcoholic. I was drinking more and more, I couldn't stop and I was starting to find ways to hide it. I had a problem. And it's a shameful problem. To some extent, we all struggle with addictions. But there's this stigma attached to chemical addictions. We're not people who need help anymore. We're drunks or druggies or pill poppers. All various types of scum of the earth. Not necessarily something anyone would want to eagerly fess up to.
The problem with addiction is you can't fix it on the down low. It's impossible because your addiction is continually trying to fuck with you. It's creating what seems like legitimate justifications. It makes you lie...it makes you hide. It's like another being struggling to stay alive by any means possible...and you're starving it. You're in a constant battle between wanting freedom from addiction and the physical and psychological need to feed it. You can't possibly expect someone in that state of fuckedupedness to self help their way out of that shit. Trust me, I tried. It doesn't work. You NEED other people, and you've got to expose your dirty little secret. Vulnerability at its most intense.
I was lucky in that within my 4 walls, I have nothing but love and concern and compassion. A husband ready and willing to do whatever it takes to get me better. It was still SOOOOO fucking hard to tell him. And I really can't imagine people who are facing this same battle and don't have that same type of support. Or worse yet, where the concept of sobriety threatens loved ones. I also have a few recovering alcoholics that are friends, and I was able to reach out to them without fear of judgement. And they gave me hope for a new life...a happy life. Something that you really need to know exists somewhere in the future otherwise it's not worth fighting for. And then I had one other friend who is just my safe spot and I treasure her. So, I let the cat out of the bag, left hanging vulnerable and not knowing what was really going to happen to me...just desperate.
But every last one of them lifted me up. Was just brought to tears with the love that surrounded me. "What did you expect??" Well, I expected what I see and hear everyday. People saying that drunk drivers should be put to death. My father, when talking about an alcoholic in the family who died from alcohol related disease...laughing and saying, "A little too little a little too late buddy!" Or the venom spewed by other mothers who despise the alcoholic mother...potraying her as unloving and unworthy. God, that one kills me. That made it the hardest for me to spill the beans. As with most mothers, I can't even begin to explain the depth of the love I have for my children. To have the love for my children questioned. To be identified as that unworthy mother. And to open myself up for that terrified me. If you're not an addict, you probably won't understand. But THAT'S how much I love my children. That I opened myself up to that kind of hatred and venom so that I could get myself better...because my kids need me.
So here I am now, weak emotionally but prevailing because I am supported in love by a small handful of amazing people...most with no clue as to the weight they are carrying for me now. I am grateful. I am hopeful. And I'm taking it day by day. This post is mainly a me thing...processing my feelings. Getting out my garbage. Unfucking of the mind. But maybe if someone actually reads this, it will help them too. My first aggressive attempt at sobriety came from reading another alcoholics blog...seeing the possibility of sobriety and freedom as a reality for the first time ever...from someone who actually got it!!! Then again, maybe addiction isn't your problem...if it isn't, I would bet pound to a pinch of shit it's someone you loves problem. So be careful how you express yourself...the language you use. The bandwagon you jump on. Because you can either contribute to that fear of condemnation the keep people prisoner to their addictions for life OR you can be that soft spot to land. That healing love that brings hope. Peace.
