Adult things

This weekend Jamie and I dropped the kids off with the grandparents and met up for dinner at a friends house...who wasn't really a friend (at least at the moment she invited us). She was a co-worker of a friend who was put in contact with me via my neighbor because her boyfriend is also English. I mean chicks who like English dudes stick together, right? Anyhow, it was major anxiety getting ready. It felt like a total adult event...I mean I was bringing the desert. And it was a total old persons desert that I was quite sure we'd all love because we're all old now. Nothing too sweet...old people don't do super sweet well...pretty sure it fucks with our digestion. And it was lemon. Old people LOVE lemons. Anyhow, it was a proper adult event. Conversation with me is always strained...I die a little inside when I try to talk. Someone tried to talk gardening and soil conditions with me. I started mumbling and felt real out of breath. I realize that I sound pitifully dim when I actually talk...whatever, I'm a writer, not a speaker. Then I wondered, "Shit, maybe I just AM stupid?" I pondered that for a bit, but I started getting those lovely panic attack heart attacky feelings. It was the first time in a long time I actually wanted a drink. And people were mixing up chocolatie maritini things, so temptation was fully available. But I stuck with the wanting to die feeling, and rode with it. While I couldn't drink, I COULD eat. So I ate me some serious delicious eats. Corned Beef, Beef Brisket, mashed potatoes, roasted beets, roasted parsnip, braised cabbage, asparagus, brussel sprout, fresh baked bread. I mean she cooked the shit outta some shit. And it was delicious. So some anxiety was released through calorie consumption. This lady is so frickin sweet too. She is this like amazingly talented sewer. And not only does she like know how to sew, she makes frickin CORSETS! And not just like some crappy flappy corsets. There is no fat that can bust through these bad boys. And they are BEAUTIFUL! So she fitted me for a corset, and is going to whip me up one in my favorite color so I have a pretty wench costume to go to the Ren Faire in! I mean wow, does it get any frickin nicer?? Oh yes..yes it does. My friend Jackie, who is a Scentsy consultant, gave me a scentsy warmer and like a billion scents! And now it smells like delicious apple pie in my house instead of dog fart. I love it. I felt spoiled...seriously spoiled. And I both loved that feeling and felt ridiculously uncomfortable with it. "*cough* UMmm...I come bearing organic freshly shat eggs! um, and cake!!" She also has what may indeed be the smallest chihuahua ever. And if it's not the smallest chihuahua it is most definitely the smallest chihuahua with the largest penis. That was seriously the most disturbing thing I've ever seen. If you put those proportions onto a human, it would have been like chest level. It was absolutely monsterous. And I was kinda grossed out when it was laying down on my lap because no matter which way it moved, it's dick was bound to be sprauled across me. I know that sounds crude, but it is what it is. And it was large. Then we shot guns. I don't think that standard protocol for adult gatherings, but we were in the country. And English dudes love to shoot guns. Jamie doesn't get quite so giddy, but he was army so he's not a stranger to guns. But I would say your average English dude gets pretty excited about them. So we shot them. It turns out I'm a pretty good shot, and everyone agreed that when the zombie apolocolypse comes, I'm on their team. And I'm cool with that, so long as someone loads it for me. Then we sat down to play games, and if you think dog dick is crude, you're going to have a coronary. For those who haven't played Cards Against Humanity, you should. Unless you were offended by dog dick...then don't bother. I don't want to spoil it for you in the event you do get the game, but here's the general jist. If you pull the card that says, "Two midgets shitting in a bucket" It's the equivelant of hitting free parking in Monopoly. We played into the wee hours of the night. Laughed until it hurt. And then we drove home. I was keenly aware of how drunk lots of the drivers seemed to be. At 2am, there didn't seem to be many cars that weren't at least somewhat swervy. It made me scared and sad. I wonder how many of those people woke up early in the morning hung over to hell, with that gnawing knowledge that they are sick. And that they can't stop. And that they could have killed themselves or someone else...and they want to live, but they can't stop. I can't hate those people...even with all the destruction they cause. Never in my adult life have I stayed out until past 2am and been sober. Never in my adult life have I woke up from being out since 2am without a hangover. Never before in my life have I gone to a dinner party and brought lemon curd cake. To firsts!!