update

I haven’t done anything with this here blog in quite some time. So let’s just do a general recap on what’s going on for all of the people who aren’t reading this. First, I passed up the 6 month mark. I’m actually at 7 months now, but that 6 month dealio was supposed to be pretty big. I guess I have this little fantasy in my head that there’s a bunch of people cheering me on. I gues if I wanted cheerleaders I should have joined AA. Truth is, it’s hard being a sober Wisconsonite. I’m not saying we’re a state of alcoholics, I’m just wondering if I threw a rock??? Anyhow, sobriety threatens people’s addictions and that creates distance. So it can be lonely. I’ve always kind of been a loner, so I can deal with that. Loneliness aside, I’m really enjoying experiencing my “firsts”. Really quite simple things, like planting my garden without a hangover. Going camping without having to pack a bars worth of liquor to make the trip complete. My kids start summer break here in a week….one whole summer playing and swimming and running and jumping and camping and fireworks and festivals…totally sober. And I say that without an ounce of dread. I’m absolutely overwhelmed with gratitude for this new chance at life and I am beyond excited at what lay ahead. And I have more exciting news filled with tons of that feel good gratitude! Jamie just got a new job!!! Phew…for those who know our story, our luck in employment hasn’t been so hot for quite some time. And it was really taking its toll on Jamie’s self esteem. He’s NOT a shit worker….the proof is in his credentials. He got Best Recruit in the army…a nationally recognized honor given to ONE recruit a year. It was him. He started the plumbing apprenticeship, got Apprentice of the Year (again…out of hundreds of apprentices, he was picked). Truly he is not stupid or a slack ass. But a shitty economy coupled with some shitty employers…you do the math. Anyhow, his last job was just so dehumanizing. They would continually try to withhold pay for worked hours. They were underbidding every job when they clearly were not in a position to be able to cover the costs for underbid jobs. He was only getting 20 hours a week at the end. Inhumane treatment…demeaning. It wasn’t so much mismanaged as unmanaged. Jamie was coming home so stressed and so angry. Trapped between hating his job but having to support his family. He came home on a Friday at 10am…defeated. My stress hits the roof because the bills are piling and the paychecks were just getting smaller and smaller. And I was just, “We HAVE to find a new job. NOW.” Which probably wasn’t the nicest thing for a wife to say…he was already feeling guilty and hating life. But I just knew it had to change. It HAD to change. I didn’t care if it got worse, because we were going under…at least if we did something we had a chance. I mean we are talking stress to the max, bills piling up, talking bankruptcy, panic attacks, so much anger from work…and it all came home. He didn’t want it to, but he couldn’t help it. And then, as if by magic, my old high school friends husband sent me a message. “Got a lead on a job if Jamie’s interested.” This was on a Friday. By Saturday the employer knew Jamie was interested. By Monday he had an interview. 2 hours later, he had a job offer. And 48 hours later, he was working there. And he’s HAPPY. And he LOVES it!! And the work day flies! And he gets paid well! And he always at least has 40 hours! And he gets paid holidays! (We NEVER had paid holidays!) And he gets THREE FRICKIN WEEKS PAID VACAY!!! And insurance and retirement. And profit sharing!! And did I mention he’s HAPPY!?!? In his first pay period (which mind you, was 20 hours short because he started midweek), we were able to pay our bills AND start to see the account go UP! Almost instantly my panic attacks stopped. The stress is lifted. The week is pleasant. The weekends, restful. When Sunday comes, he’s okay that tomorrow he goes to work. He feels appreciated. He IS appreciated. And he’s confident again…he’s back to knowing he’s a good worker and a good person. . His old employer took the opportunity to fuck us out of our weeks paid vacation. We never had a written agreement; however, it was agreed that after 1 year employment we would get 1 week paid vacation. They preemptively warned him of their intent to fuck us by stating, “Well, I know that’s what we said, it’s just there’s nothing in writing…Well, I’ll see what I can do.” Well, of course it wasn’t on our last check. I wanted to fight it. I wanted to report them to the state. I wanted them to pay for being such heinous unethical assholes. Sure, there is nothing in writing, but the last thing a shady company wants is the state thumbing through their books. BUT…Jamie had a point. Each time we held onto that shit job, we held onto that negativity. And it was true….when I chased that money, our anxiety came back…my panic attacks came back. The tension got high, the anger got high, the fights started. It wasn’t worth it. Jamie said, “Look….I would have paid them that $1000 to get out of that job. I’m considering it that…the cost to get on the train out of Shitsville.” So we left it in the past. And now there is the big hole inside of us all where this anger and misery and depression was. Sometimes it’s like we’ve been there for so long we almost want to revisit it. It’s getting weird to think that maybe things will be good? To make plans. To have family vacations. To just be content. To not have that stress?? I don’t know. It’s still there…that residual feeling. But it’s slowely dissipating. I’m ready for GOOD!! I mean through all of this shit I’ve been blessed a million ways…I’ve been so distracted and so tense and so overwhelmed with this constant worry that I haven’t been able to enjoy them. I’m really looking forward to enjoying all of my many blessings. And for the last bit of news. Very sad news. Jamie’s sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. All of the scans aren’t back yet, but the information that we do have makes my heart sink. Ailsa is special needs. She has limited cognitive abilities. She probably has a developmental age of 6 or so…there are certain aspects where in development is beyond that, but overall…I’d say 6. So nobody knows how long the lump was there, only that she was scared to tell anyone. She knows what cancer is, and she was scared. So she just kept quiet until it grew to such a size that it was actually causing an abrasion on the skin around it from rubbing. It is in the armpit region (lymph node worry). And at this point, they feel it’s too big to operate on. They want to try to shrink it and then operate. Again, we’re still waiting for the results of the bone tests, full MRI, all blood work. We should have more information in a week. But of the information I do have coupled with my gut feeling, is that more bad news will follow. I talked with her yesterday for a good hour. She is most worried about loosing her hair. But I think everyone has managed to make her excited about trying out different wigs, and I even talked about trying to make her some funky scarves with matching skirts. (I’m a shite seamstress, but I’ll give it a whirl!!) I don’t think anyone explained to her that chemo will also make her feel sick. She seems to be under the impression that she will see the doctor next Thursday and then she’ll be fine. I didn’t think it my position to tell her differently since I’m not there to walk her through it. But I DO hope that people are being honest with her as much as they can. I think she has a right to understand what she’s able to understand. I’m also hoping that there’s support groups for her there. I don’t know what they all have…I did some google searches, but all support services I’m pulling up are connected with the NHS plan as part of their cancer treatment program. I hope it’s more than a nurse hotline, ya know? I hope they have something for special needs adults? The things that most apply to her mental age are specifically for kids under 18. I am trying to find something that includes special needs adults in their programming with no luck. And I’d like to see Ailsa get some experiences she’s been denied. I mean regardless of your health, we ALL need to live!! But she’s had the same boyfriend now for as long as Jamie and I have been married (11 years!). They are pretty much identical in their needs, and are perfect together!! She hasn’t been allowed to get married. She spends ½ the week at his apartment. Do you know what it would mean for that girl to plan her wedding!?!?! I mean with very little money, it could be her dream come true!!! I’d love to see her marry the love of her life. To wear a beautiful big gown!! To have a huge bouquet of flowers! We could make that dream come true for her for not a lot of money AT ALL! I just want her to LIVE. She’s been in this house just existing…not job, no routine. Just sitting in the house watching TV all day every day. I just want more for her. Well, I think I’ve covered the biggies for now. Lots of thanks to the big guy for many blessings, and many prayers for Ailsa…for healing, for strength and for LIFE!